Tuesday 24 November 2015

Tales from the hospital, part one

I think it is time to break out some of the Facebook tales Karin wrote while in hospital.

We went to Hay on Wye for a four-day break, but had to leave early as she was so weak she couldn't even get to the toilet.  I went out running for an hour and when I got back I found she had fallen on her way to the bathroom.  So I packed our stuff in the car, made our apologies to the very concerned couple who owned the chalet, and headed for the oncology acute ward.

Over the next three weeks, they fiddled with her meds until some stability and strength was restored.  In that time, Karin's ipad got a good amount of use as she sat in bed and watched the world pass by; covertly writing down these little pieces of entertainment.  So here is the first one;

Tetchy Woman in the bed next to mine has adopted me as her pet hospital project.
This is a little strange, considering the day before yesterday I screamed at her for insulting the nurses - calling them slow bitches. "You're in a fucking hospital, not a hotel. Don't you order these poor women around as if they're your slaves. Wind your insult bearing neck in, pal."
I was ready to engage in a fisticuffs contest. Had my fists clenched and Mr Bishop my karate teacher’s instructions ringing in my ears - if it ever comes to the crunch, don't bother with the impressive stuff, just bash 'em right on the nose and skedaddle right out of there - like I was going to skedaddle anywhere...
The nurses formed a phalanx (I think) in front of me, with the tiniest one right out front and centre, giving Tetchy Woman The Look. I took time to admire the mother who had taught her. Perfect technique.
She raised a finger to the nasty woman and said quietly, "I don't appreciate you calling me and my colleagues slow, not to mention the other insult you felt it necessary to employ." she then turned the wagging finger on me. "Whilst we thank you for support in this matter, there is more than one side in this business that should be winding its insult bearing neck in."
Well, bugger me and all I was trying to do was beat up the bully on your behalf.
Anyway, now I am Tetchy Woman's best friend. Every time a nurse comes in, she shouts at them and tells them they should be looking after me because I'm much worse off than her - her, with her Chrons disease, metastatic kidney cancer and pneumonia in both lungs.

Even weirder is that she believes I have no left foot - it comes off and stays in the boot when I take it off, apparently. Also, because of the eye patch she believes I have no left eye. Even though I only wear the patch 70% of the time. She's also decided I clearly want to be a pirate because I wear black.


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